I Don’t Understand Why I Am Like This

i don’t understand why i’m like this

her eyes, looking into me

oh, but my gaze is past her

in that clear distance

at a fools endless pinnacle

i plan to summit

there’s an antique phrase

i don’t remember it now

but I don’t want it to be true

i don’t want to be locked away

by an empty promise

my mouth agreed to

i am judgmental

in defense of my self hatred

i cannot be loved

less I explode

and the vacuum turns my body inside out

she is so soft

i am softer

i am so afraid of being squished

my suitcase of joy

spilling out onto someone else

losing its flavor

perhaps

found and locked away