Look At Your Hands

I had an interesting kind of panic attack today

It was remarkably more existential than it normally is

I hate being so afraid

I was putting tiles together

Sitting in nothing

When something came over me

From the definition of nowhere

My guard against guarding was down

I felt trapped in the universe

Existential claustrophobia 

Into an inevitable oblivion

As always, I stood up

I self medicated with chamomile

Sucked down my eggs, and briskly left for a walk

I fought it as hard as I could

With logic and self talk and contemplation

I think I won

But it’s still lingers

And it hurts so much

I wish there was someone who could help me

And I know that there is

But it doesn’t feel like that

It feels like all I could do is dull the pain

And yet yesterday I felt so good

The time is passing and I can’t stop it

And if I did, I would be dead anyway

Because time is what animates us

I just want the work I put into not being anxious to pay off

And it seems every time I conquer the attack I do get stronger

But sometimes the attack comes from a different angle

And I have to rework my method

And I can never really be succinct about explaining this

But documenting something always gives a record of something

And I hope I’ll remember that this particular time passed

And that other times will come and go

And I will simply live my life

In this very moment

And not any other one

Right now 



Look at your hands